| Smithereens Uncut |
twisted by Anonymous
Saturday, October 30, 2004 |
This is my first post as a minion, and at first i was nervous... i mean what if you all hated me? And then I thought to myself, even if they do hate me... I'm already a minion so what the hell can they do about it? Shwell... I was doing some work for smithereens the humor magazine for the school paper... but they cut every last article of mine deeming them, "Raunchy and not school appropriate" so now... I bring you two stories that will hopefully touch your soul... and your nether regions. Scandal Uncovered: Ralph Nader: Tree Hugger or Tree Humper?
Winstead, Connecticut--Late last evening, local police received a relatively routine call claiming a disturbance of the peace. The caller, who wished to remain anonymous, complained that loud groans were coming from the back porch of the house next door. According to the caller, this was a recurring incident, and although the caller had previously spoken to the residents, the property owner ignored all entreaties. At 3:34, a.m. two sleepy eyed officers, Sheriff Alfred Tamson and Deputy Preston Emmet, arrived at the location.
“Well, we went ‘round the back of the house and knocked on the gate,” Sheriff Tamson recalled. “With all the moaning we weren’t sure the man in the back could hear us, so after shouting to him that we were coming in, we busted through the rear gate. Deputy Preston and I run smack into Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader, who was naked, blindfolded, and err… fornicating with an elm tree that stood in his backyard.”
“A’ firs’ I couldn’d make out wha’ he be doin’,” Deputy Emmet told our reporter, “I reckond’ he was having a fit, or ‘ad lost his cat up tha’ tree.”
Mr. Nader refuses to comment on the incident, but it is clear that he has no intention of dropping out of the presidential race. The real question here is not whether his campaign will be harmed by this find… but more so, will President Bush’s campaigned by aided by the wave of green voters converted to Democrats by this scandal. The answer is… probably not. Thank you, Electoral College for taking the difficult decision of who shall be president out of the American people’s hands. THE END Werewolf Busters Jesus tramped through the forest, a bead of sweat forcing its way through the skin above his brow. "Hurry Buddha!" he said, urging his tubby friend forward. They were desperately lost in the sprawling foliage of a labyrinth known as the Forbidden Forest. A low shuffle caused Jesus to whip around, his wand out. "Show yourself!" he cried, trying to stifle the note of fear in his throat. The moment he cried it out, he wished he hadn't. For out of the darkened greenery sprung a hideous beast, eight feet tall. It loped along on four legs, but appeared as if it were struggling to stand upon two. It snarled, raising the upper lip of its grey muzzle to reveal bloodstained teeth.
A surge of adrenaline rushed through Jesus's body. He turned to the terrified visage of his friend, Bhudda. "Buddha, smelt! now!" Jesus stuck his fingers into the air, and a yellow aura started to emanate from his body. "Right!" Buddha cried, shoving his stubby arms up in the air. A purple glow started to radiate from Buddha. There was a brilliant flash of light, and where the two figures once stood, there was now one. Tall and muscular, wearing a white robe with large, oriental beads around it, there was an undertoneof confidence in the booming voice that spoke:
"Monster, I am Bhejesus! Bend to me, for I am gentle, and choose freely not to smite you!"
Bhejesus's voice rang like a violin of light through the darkness of cricket chirp and creature shuffle that surrounded them. Bhejesus reached a hand out and touched the monster on the snout. Blue sparks crackled as his hand made contact with the creature's nose. The air was suddenly heavy from music that seemed to be played from the sky. Bhejesus looked up, and saw a choir of angels hovering atop his head. "Oh my self!" he exclaimed, waving at the angels.
Bhejesus looked back down, and saw the lycan had shrunk into a disheveled man, fitfully raging in his sleep.
"DEFUSE... NOW!" Bhejesus cried. Another flash of brilliant light later, and the two friends were standing side by side, panting. "Let's go home!" Jesus sighed, putting his arm around his friend... and together they set off in the distance.
Bhudda paused, "Wait a minute... I thought we were lost, how could we know how to get home? Also... if you speak Aramaic, and I speak Magadhi... then how can we communicate with each other? Also... what is this strange language we are currently speaking?"
Jesus laughed, "My dear friend... haven’t you learned anything? An immature, blasphemous, thirteen year old Jew wrote this whole thing. He doesn't give a damn if his plot is full of holes... he just wanted a cheap shot at religion."
And with that, the two friends walked into the distance, wiser from the experience they had just shared. THE END
Winstead, Connecticut--Late last evening, local police received a relatively routine call claiming a disturbance of the peace. The caller, who wished to remain anonymous, complained that loud groans were coming from the back porch of the house next door. According to the caller, this was a recurring incident, and although the caller had previously spoken to the residents, the property owner ignored all entreaties. At 3:34, a.m. two sleepy eyed officers, Sheriff Alfred Tamson and Deputy Preston Emmet, arrived at the location.
“Well, we went ‘round the back of the house and knocked on the gate,” Sheriff Tamson recalled. “With all the moaning we weren’t sure the man in the back could hear us, so after shouting to him that we were coming in, we busted through the rear gate. Deputy Preston and I run smack into Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader, who was naked, blindfolded, and err… fornicating with an elm tree that stood in his backyard.”
“A’ firs’ I couldn’d make out wha’ he be doin’,” Deputy Emmet told our reporter, “I reckond’ he was having a fit, or ‘ad lost his cat up tha’ tree.”
Mr. Nader refuses to comment on the incident, but it is clear that he has no intention of dropping out of the presidential race. The real question here is not whether his campaign will be harmed by this find… but more so, will President Bush’s campaigned by aided by the wave of green voters converted to Democrats by this scandal. The answer is… probably not. Thank you, Electoral College for taking the difficult decision of who shall be president out of the American people’s hands. THE END Werewolf Busters Jesus tramped through the forest, a bead of sweat forcing its way through the skin above his brow. "Hurry Buddha!" he said, urging his tubby friend forward. They were desperately lost in the sprawling foliage of a labyrinth known as the Forbidden Forest. A low shuffle caused Jesus to whip around, his wand out. "Show yourself!" he cried, trying to stifle the note of fear in his throat. The moment he cried it out, he wished he hadn't. For out of the darkened greenery sprung a hideous beast, eight feet tall. It loped along on four legs, but appeared as if it were struggling to stand upon two. It snarled, raising the upper lip of its grey muzzle to reveal bloodstained teeth.
A surge of adrenaline rushed through Jesus's body. He turned to the terrified visage of his friend, Bhudda. "Buddha, smelt! now!" Jesus stuck his fingers into the air, and a yellow aura started to emanate from his body. "Right!" Buddha cried, shoving his stubby arms up in the air. A purple glow started to radiate from Buddha. There was a brilliant flash of light, and where the two figures once stood, there was now one. Tall and muscular, wearing a white robe with large, oriental beads around it, there was an undertoneof confidence in the booming voice that spoke:
"Monster, I am Bhejesus! Bend to me, for I am gentle, and choose freely not to smite you!"
Bhejesus's voice rang like a violin of light through the darkness of cricket chirp and creature shuffle that surrounded them. Bhejesus reached a hand out and touched the monster on the snout. Blue sparks crackled as his hand made contact with the creature's nose. The air was suddenly heavy from music that seemed to be played from the sky. Bhejesus looked up, and saw a choir of angels hovering atop his head. "Oh my self!" he exclaimed, waving at the angels.
Bhejesus looked back down, and saw the lycan had shrunk into a disheveled man, fitfully raging in his sleep.
"DEFUSE... NOW!" Bhejesus cried. Another flash of brilliant light later, and the two friends were standing side by side, panting. "Let's go home!" Jesus sighed, putting his arm around his friend... and together they set off in the distance.
Bhudda paused, "Wait a minute... I thought we were lost, how could we know how to get home? Also... if you speak Aramaic, and I speak Magadhi... then how can we communicate with each other? Also... what is this strange language we are currently speaking?"
Jesus laughed, "My dear friend... haven’t you learned anything? An immature, blasphemous, thirteen year old Jew wrote this whole thing. He doesn't give a damn if his plot is full of holes... he just wanted a cheap shot at religion."
And with that, the two friends walked into the distance, wiser from the experience they had just shared. THE END
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