New Bin Laden Tape

Dear minions, gods, and fellow satirists: What I am about to say is about as far from satire as you can get, but I feel it's necessary to say it all the same. You have probably heard by now that Osama Bin Laden has released his first tape to Al Jazeera in nearly three years. You may have heard about snippets of the tape's content, or you may know nothing about it. Either way, I am going to give my two cents here. First of all, this scum eating bastard tried to justify the truly evil terrorist attacks on the beloved twin towers on September 11, 2001. He said that two towers fell in Palestine, and that we needed to taste the pain that his people felt. Let me tell, you, 5,000 hard-working, industrious people is not the same as a few hundred scum (so-called people) that relish in evil and have committed more terrorist attack than any nation in the world. The other thing that truly scared me about this tape was that many of Bin Laden's lines seem to come directly from Fahrenheit 9/11. For instance, he talked about the infamous incident of Bush sitting in the class room for seven minutes instead of responding immediately. I still, to this day, believe that Bush did the right thing. If he had bolted from the school, it would've set off the alarm immediately, and we would be sent into an immediate panic without hearing the whole story. I also believe that the striking similarities between Michael Moore and Bin Laden should show us who our other enemy is in this country. The terrorists have snuck a Trojan Horse called "liberalism" into this country, which will eventually lead to our demise if Bush is not elected. Many liberals (although not John Kerry, thank the Lord) believe that Bin Laden can be negotiated with, that terrorist can be involved in a round-table discussion. Let me tell you something. Evil cannot be tolerated, and cannot be negotiated. The Devil can not be dealt with diplomatically. These excuses for human beings need to be hunted down and "eliminated from the community" as Mr. Mastin so nicely put it. The only way we will conquer the terrorists is if we destroy them. Bin Laden also criticized the Patriot Act a la Moore, by saying that it took away "the freedom of his own people." Yeah, and he would know something about freedom. Don't you see what is happening here? Osama, whom I have no more respect for than a slug, is trying to gain sympathy from the US. He is trying to get us to empathize and accept him, but his real plan is to destroy this nation.

I'm so sorry that this post had to be as serious and dark as it was, but I felt it was something you all needed to hear. I hope you see that George W. Bush is the only one who will successfully take this guy down, and I would encourage everybody (their parents) to vote for him (even though Kerry will take California handily). Hopefully I will be in a mood for more satire soon enough. Thank you.